To tell the truth

i wish i was a deeper person in general.
i wouldn't say that i am shallow, i just wish i was deeper. like... smarter like i could express my opinion and blow you out of the water with my excessive knowledge. i wouldn't want to be cocky and knowitally, just deep. like a Philosopher so i could write great novels like Makaveli and Shakespeare or the lady who stuck her head in the oven. That is funny because Makaveli was like... political and Shakespeare wrote the most famous plays in the whole entire world and the Sylva Plath... well all i know is that she stuck her head in the over and i have to read her book senior year. But i figure i would want to be a well rounded writer right? haha but instead if i wrote a book... it would be fictitious not even like J.M. Berry fiction defiantly more like Twilight fiction. You see?

and i am failing Math and not even because i am busy or because i am rebelling against the masses or anything cool at all it is just because i am lazy and it is hard and i don't feel like dealing with things that are hard. I just want to take a damn (ha) pottery glass! you see what i mean? and for my AP Photo stuff... my pictures are of Barbies!? comeON! How UNdeep can you get? and its not like Barbie fighting Feminism it is like... Barbie Getting dressed. maybe i will figure out how to tie it to Feminism so that i can be a little bit more Deep... cuz i am NOT going to blow ANYone, let alone some collage i may choose to show my portfolio to, away with my total lack of undeepness.

sometimes i do silly dumb things because of my lack of rememberence and so then people see me as silly and dumb. when really... i am not silly and dumb... i just don't care enough to remember anything.

I want to wear black turtlenecks and French berets and sip black coffee while reading war and peace. I want to sit and Noble Tea and Coffee (because i wont conform to Starbucks because of some unethical reason i feel strongly against) and have deep discussions about... God and Politics and... stuff i would feel passionate about.

I want to feel passionate! about all this deep shit i don't care about right now. I want to like red wine and watch Clockwork Orange and foreign films. I want to care about REALLY learning as many foreign languages as i possibly could that way i really could travel anywhere i wanted and not have to rely on a interpretor.

I want to ENJOY listening to Beethoven and Chopin and annoying music without words and have it MOVE me because it is soo damn beautiful.

I want to go to Africa and make a movie to show the injustice taking place right next door. I want to start a movement because i can. I want to show people that i can make a difference. i want to live in God's image and love him and give him everything i have and believe in him wholly and unselfishly. I want to help fight poverty and give them what i can and only keep what i absolutely truly must keep to survive.

I want to not care about what other people think completely with my whole self and live my life for me and not others because i am afraid what they will think. (not that i do this often... but i have done it and i am ashamed because i should not do things because you want me to when i don't want to)

i want to teach the people around me a life lesson they will NEVER forget.

I want to astound my teachers because i am so wonderful and full of insight. I want to play the Piano because all intelligent people play the piano because the piano makes you smarter.

i want to eat Organic and go for walks because i love the beautifulness of the outdoors and every time i go outside i want to thank the lord for giving me all the life and beauty that is outside my door.
i want to be able to thank God for everything he has given me and not mourn for everything he has not given me that i wanted or for everything i feel he has taken from me.

My brain stopped spewing thoughts for the moment and this seems like a decent place to stop... Being able to trust in God and thank him? That seems darn important so it is a perfect ending point.